So I know I didn’t do a pre-gaming column this week.  I get it.  I suck.  I also know I need to write the other half of the gangs article (which thus far has been a much bigger project than I anticipated).  Shut up.  I know these things.  I also have a whole other book to talk about because the subject matter is currently in the news.   There’s so much shit to do my bloggin’ has been cloggin’.  Even my jokes are lame now. I hate me.

So of course, with all that stuff to do, it would take something I found pretty fascinating to distract me from the task(s) at hand (Author's Note: or a shiny ball of foil).  Enter the Roman Polanski nonsense.

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASILY.  AS THOUGH YOU WOULD STOP READING AFTER I SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 

For those who haven’t heard, the Academy Award winning film director has been arrested after previously (previously as in 1977) pleading guilty to raping a thirteen-year-old girl after having taken naked photos of her.  I’m not for this.  Like I’m really, really against it.  I’m pretty sure 99.9% of the general public and 63.5% of Polish-French film directors share my sentiments.  If there was ever an anti-version of the song My Favorite Things, like in a never before seen directors cut of The Sound of Music, child pornography and rape would be in the first verse.

I just feel the need to strongly establish that what he did was wrong, because I’m not writing a scathing post about his special place in hell (Author’s Note: He'll definitely get one,  I've heard Satan is a big fan of the flick Rosemary’s Baby.  Gave it two hooves up.  [Author's Disgust: See what I mean about the jokes?]).  I’m writing because of a condemnation of the members of Hollywood who have come out in support of Polanski by a conservative blogger for CNN.com named Roland S. Martin.

As the one liberal of www.thebaltimorons.com (tell your friends) I have to say I am in complete support of this guy’s opinion.  I disagree with almost everything he has to say in almost every instance imaginable, this just happens to be the exception.  Something universally reviled like the harming of a child will bring everyone to the center of the aisle so they can take turns beating the crap out of him. 

To Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, Harvey Weinstein, and anyone else who has decided to wear “Free Polanski” paraphernalia: Don’t be stupid.  He’s not Nelson Mandela or Gandhi; he’s Detective Revi from Rush Hour 3.  Save the outrage for when something outrageous happens, like when a child molester roams around freely for thirty-two years before being brought to justice.

It’s not their actions that I found fascinating however, members of Hollywood always seem to feel the world would be better off if they could just share whatever it is they’re not being paid to be think.  ATTENTION MOVIE PEOPLE: Remember when we gave you those awards and showered you with praise?  It was because you weren’t being you.  For an hour and a half onscreen you ceased to exist and we were so happy we gave you a trophy.  Live your personal life accordingly.

Sorry, I got distracted. So it wasn’t the actions of the Hollywood elite that got my attention, nor was it the actual writing of Mr. Martin (Author’s Note: You could tell he spoke for the indignation of the common man because he used the terms “hell” and “damn”.  Edgy.).  No my friend(s), I got riled up when I noticed the comments left by readers just like you and me.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

An insightful commentator by the name of “Michael Hsu” proclaimed:

Hollywood is racist! Had it been a black man who raped a 13-yr old white girl, the black man would’ve been hung! (Just look at the US history books for numerous examples of this.) But, somehow because Roman was white, that’s OK?

You’re damn right Michael, why I… wait, what?  Did you just play the race card when no one of color had anything to do with the story at all?  They’re called the history books for a reason sir, I’m not sure they should be used as judicial precedent for current legal proceedings.  Could you imagine if he was right though? What’s the more shocking news story: Tyler Perry Pleads Guilty to Molesting Underage Girl?  Or is it:Tyler Perry Arrested By Swiss Government and Promptly Hung In Effort to Be “Old School”?  I’d say it’s a wash.

Next up we have the ominous sounding “Eyes Wide Open” who details that:

When the infamous Texas sodomy case was overturned by the SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the United States) many people predicted that it wouldn’t be long before pedophilia was an accepted practice.
Well, you now have PROOF…

Hell yeah, finally, someone who gets… excuse me?  So you’re saying that the actions of one man thirty-two years ago were predicated on the fact that, starting in 2003, people would have their sexual behavior protected as private under the United States Constitution? (Author’s Aside: Can you believe it took until 2003 for this to be legalized fully?  From all the pornographic movies I watched in high school I could be an accessory to like 3,000,000 crimes. Too much?  You’re right.  More like 2,500,000.)  Between the sodomites of “Eyes Wide Open” and “Michael Hsu’s” hung black man, we’ve almost got a sexy party!

Now we’ve come to my personal favorite, “La Viro” who asks the question on everybody’s mind:

Why is it that Jews think they are above the law?  If a gentile had raped a 13 year old girl and then fled the country, the Jews in Hollywood would be calling for his head on a platter...   It’s disturbing that the legal system has become a place where there are one set of rules of Gentiles, and another, more privileged set of rules for Jews.

Really? REALLY?  I feel like this would be what the court transcript looked like if Roman Polanski were being prosecuted by Borat.  This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, there’s no way the head of a Gentile child rapist is kosher.  If the Hollywood Jews do get his head on a platter, do the Jews outside of Hollywood get his foreskin on rye?

As you can see I just wrote three individual jokes instead of an actual paragraph; there’s no way to write a coherent response to the incoherent ramblings of an anti-Semitic idiot.  Speaking of which, we’ve arrived at the dumbest post of all:

The article may have merit but the comments are laughable. Blame the Jews? Blame the whites? Blame the liberals? Blame the sodomites? The anonymity provided by the Internet is a great security blanket for the hatred our culture has for itself. When something shocks or horrifies you, express your outrage, but do it rationally. Open your mind instead of opening fire.

What is so incredibly stupid about that comment you ask?  It was written by “Dan”.  That’s right, your second favorite author in the whole entire site (third if you count Zak’s comment on my most recent post) was so taken aback with the ignorance displayed by people sharing the same Internet that he felt compelled to enlighten them.  I was so concerned with getting my message exact that, upon discovering that whites and sodomites rhyme (coincidence?) I had to break them up with liberals to create the most powerfully worded message possible.  My thoughts were going to change lives.

Then it hits you: anything written on any Internet messageboard ever is completely and utterly pointless.  It doesn’t matter how eloquently you write them, your words are immediately preceded by someone who uses emoticons, immediately followed by someone who spells the word tonight, “2nite” and are only read by people who are either surrounded by cats or are angry their parents won’t let them get another cat.  There is absolutely nothing to be gained from trying to enlighten someone who hasn’t seen natural light in three and half years, yet I still had to try. 

It is the white, Gentile, sodomizing man’s burden.