Pre-gaming Browns at Ravens
Why I’m Scared of the Browns
- We may never know how good Shaun Rogers really is. Despite being a two-time Pro Bowl caliber nose tackle and weighing in at 350 pounds, the other Baltimorons were hard pressed in identifying whether or not Rogers was even on the Browns. Why then, you may ask, would I be scared of a player who has faded from importance in the latter half of this decade?
I fear Shaun Rogers because he has a reputation for taking some plays off, kind of like Albert “One Hundred Million Dollars” Haynesworth from across the beltway (who I hate even more for the way his Dan-Snyder-Induced-mega-deal is going to drive the terms of resigning the younger, more talented Haloti Ngata). Roger’s laziness is my concern because I would be lazy too if I was a supremely talented athlete wasting the best years of my life between playing for the Oakland Raiders and the Cleveland Browns (Author’s Note: I can extrapolate my laziness in such a situation given that I am currently a supremely overweight blogger wasting the best years of my life between driving the less than two miles to pick up greasy Italian food and sitting on my ever flattening ass cheeks [coincidently also referred to as the Browns]). I’ve done that thing where I got so involved in my parenthetical diatribe that both the author and the reader can’t possibly remember what I was talking about. Luckily, this situation is easily revolved with a new paragraph.
If there is no chance that your team will ever reach the post season (the Browns) and you are already locked into a ridiculously high-paying contract (Shaun Rogers) then you have nothing to prove. Unless of course a team comes to town whose identity is tied up in their ability to run the ball right over you. That might be something that makes you sit up and pay attention…
- Okay, so I’m not really that scared of Shaun Rogers, but the post would have been too short if I just cut right to Joshua Cribs. While I don’t believe he’s a genuine number one receiver like the depth chart would show, I am more concerned with his abilities in the return game. He’s a game changer, a non pint-sized version of Darren Sproles.
There will always be the cynical part of me that, as I put it in the second The Baltimorons (tell your friends) Podcast, is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sure we have the second highest scoring offense in the NFL, but what happens when Flacco’s arm falls off and we’re one-dimensional again? What happens when it becomes a battle of field position and kickers and they have a dynamic returner leading to the 7th most accurate kicker in NFL history and we have Chris “Not too Far” Carr leading to the new guy whose name I don’t feel like looking up how to spell right now?
- Enough doom and gloom scenarios. Now, let’s all laugh at the Brady Quinn commercial and end this ridiculous segment with a definitive “NOW I’m done”.
Why the Browns Should Be Scared of Us
- So the entire “Why I’m Scared of the Browns” section was really just a 500+ word excuse to use a poop joke that was finished after a mere 208. I’m pretty confident heading into Sunday. Plus, it’s been a pretty busy week as demonstrated by my lack of posting. Therefore, I’m going to go with only the primary reason the Browns should be afraid:
- The Ravens are better at playing football than the Browns. Our secondary is coming off of a poor showing that all the members acknowledged with a firm grittiness that hinted at little to no mercy moving forward. Our line backing corps showed why, despite how the situation sucked, the front office had to let Bart Scott go this offseason to make sure certain key players stayed. Our defensive line came up with some key sacks when we needed them to and stayed penalty free aside from a fairly lame call against Pryce for touching Phillip Rivers’ angry baby face. The defense as a whole was monstrous in the Red Zone when the size mismatch gave them every reason not to be.
The Browns defense has been good this year at stopping the big play, which is just fine for a Ravens offense who would almost rather work the openings in the defense methodically with only a handful of deep balls (Author’s Note: Handful of deepballs… Tee hee…). The running back by committee is more like running back by Appropriations Committee (Author’s Note: It’s the most powerful committee in the Senate [Author’s Further Note: I know that joke wasn’t funny to you, but I thought it was pretty good (Author’s Clarification: It’s not all about you)]). Joe Flacco is, as Alex put it in the first podcast which you will never get to hear, one hair from the very center of his uni-brow away from ruling this town as our benevolent if not slightly boring leader.
It’s a good week to be a Ravens fan.
Top 5 Drinking Games to Play for Browns vs. Ravens
(1) Drink half a beer every time the announcers discuss theRavens/Chargers game. Take a shot every time the show the clip of Ray Ray’s last tackle.
(2) Take a drink for every Cleveland first down (it’s okay America; there was only eleven last weekend). Take three drinks for every sack against Quinn (uh-oh America; there were four of those last weekend). Take a shot every time the camera goes to Derrick Anderson on the sideline (both Brady Quinn’s job and America are in trouble).
(3) Chug your beer from the moment Cribs touches the ball on a kick return until the whistles blow. I know I used this game with Sproles last week but it gets you drunk AND you don’t have to watch the TV during one of the most gut-wrenching moments. You’re welcome.
(4) Every time a Raven gets an interception, order a round for your group. Every time they do something stupid like try to pitch it to another player, make it something crappy like Miller High Life.
(5) Whenever Steven Hauschka kicks a field goal, celebrate like you always knew everything would be alright and then discreetly take another Tums.
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