Why I’m Scared of The Chiefs
- Remember that part in Resident Evil where there is the laser beam that can cut you apart if it touches you? At first it’s pretty scary but not really because it only kills that girl who had the most time to duck but barely even flinches. But then things start to get worse because it keeps branching out and Milla Jovovich keeps whining.
I feel the same way about the Bill Belichick good at football tree (not really a coaching tree because Pioli is a GM). The people from this Patriots team are now more regularly filtering out to other positions and are seeking to destroy anyone in their path. While we’re not quite at the eye-goo slowly dripping down phase, it’s still annoying that I am nervous about facing a team because the guy IN THE FRONT OFFICE is talented.
As a post script, can we please stop the debate that the Steelers are possibly the team of the decade over the Patriots? The two times they played in Hines Field in the playoffs, New England won. The two Super Bowls the Steelers won not only didn’t go through Foxboro, but this last one would have been the Patriot’s fourth easily. Plus they had an 18-1 season.
Also, I’m sorry about Troy Polamalu, Steelers’ fans. He’s the one player we actually like on your team; anyone else and I would be rooting for them to be out for the season. I hope Troy has a speedy recovery.
- After watching Rob Bironas lose the game for the Titans last night, I just kept thinking, “Oh God, oh God, we need Stover back.” He is the protective blanket for the Baltimore Ravens. We understand we’re going to be fourteen years old soon and it’s time to grow out of this phase; NOW GIVE US THE DAMN BLANKY!!!
- Larry Johnson is a talented back. The Chiefs haven’t been very good at playing football for the past few years and he had to carry the load so much that his body simply couldn’t keep up. I’ve read that he has rededicated himself under the new leadership (sound like Willis McGahee to anyone else?) and is ready to get back to form in 2009.
A lot has been mentioned in the media of his being the last 100-yard rusher against the Ravens (in 2006) but I don’t think he has their number or anything, I just think he’s talented. Particularly with the lingering quarterback questions for Kansas City, Johnson ought to be seeing a lot of carries. In an era where no one can possibly be underrated because of the Internet, this will be a good opportunity for Ngata to prove that he belongs in the roughly 1,000,006 lists of most unsung players in the NFL.
- Tyson Jackson and Glenn Dorsey. Maybe it’s just because the SEC gets a lot of coverage, but these two rushers seem like they’ll be a good test for our young offensive line. Be prepared for lots of camera shots of Michael Oher, as our rookie right tackle (future left tackle; I predict he and Gaither will switch as early as next season) looks to hold his own against other Southeastern Conference alumni.
Speaking of LSU, I also worry about Dwayne Bowe. He’s the type of big, acrobatic receiver that has historically given us fits. Hope he doesn’t break any tackles in the secondary. The only reason he doesn’t get his own bullet point is because he can’t throw the ball to himself which bring us to:
Why the Chiefs Should Be Scared of Us
- While we may not be the subject of one of my favorite commercials ever (Author’s Note: Great googly-moogly!), the Baltimore Ravens are the subject of night terrors for various quarterbacks around the NFL. It’s scary to throw on us, Ed Reed is somewhere lurking, laughing. You can’t spend too long looking for him though, cause coming somewhere around the end is Terrell Suggs, hopefully looking to earn every penny of his $63 million dollar contract.
You better hope your offensive coordinator has a hot route ready for the blitz. In Kansas City’s case they better hope their head coach is covering that because he fired the architect behind their offense not two weeks ago. I thought someone said the preseason doesn’t matter but apparently it matters a great deal if you only barely score in the double digits the first three games (Unlike the fourth game, the one without Gailey, where they only managed nine).
So a new game plan is to be executed by a quarterback in Matt Cassel who was successful last year but not enough to make the playoffs despite throwing to Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Jabar Gafney. Still, he could very well turn out to be a good pickup, but he’s coming off a knee injury. Seeing as it’s very tough to run for your life in a knee brace, I would hope, for the Chief’s sake, that the Brody Croyle era continues for one more week.
I know that he is a competitor and has gotten the taste of starting in his mouth (Mmmm… reminds him of high school), but this just wouldn’t be a good situation. Next weekend you play the Raiders… THE RAIDERS! Go watch the tape of their third preseason game against New Orleans and tell me that Kansas City wouldn’t be better giving the knee an extra week to heal and letting him open up against the NFL equivalent of the San Jose State Spartans.
- The offense is humming. While there may be pressure from LSU’s front line, Flacco has been demonstrating an ability to spread the ball around, a talent noticeably absent last year when a smart defense would have simply stacked the box with eight and put the other three on Derrick Mason.
With the required concession that it was only preseason, the percentage of plays through the air were elevated to keep up with Joe’s comfort in the system. With Ray Rice looking to earn his spot on all those fantasy teams he made this season, Flacco keeping defenses honest, and Le’Ron McClain being under utilized in the preseason compared to what he’ll see on Sundays, I am finally approaching the season with something resembling confidence.
- Kelly Gregg is back. I know that everyone kind of understands what a big impact that man has our team, but truly, we didn’t know what we were missing. Things may have turned out differently last season with his motor going the full sixty. Maybe not in the critical game, but I don’t think we’re 0-3 if the pressure up the middle is a little more constant.
Our defense thrives off of emotion and will power born of pride. It happens to be opening day in our house and there’s something to prove this season. In the words of Mr. McMahon’s entrance theme as performed by The DX Band, “No chance, that’s what ya got”.
Top 5 Drinking Games to Play for Chiefs vs. Ravens
Aside from the customary drink every first down and finish your beer every score, we here at www.thebaltimorons.com(tell your friends) are going to propose some additional rules each week:
(1) Every time the announcers discuss Joe Flacco using the terms, “sophomore slump”, “poise in the pocket”, “cool under pressure”, or “command of the huddle”, take a drink.
(2) Take a swig of Mickey’s Malt Liquor for every close-up of Michael Oher as well as every discussion of his having been homeless.
(3) Every time the Raven’s defense gets a turnover, take a shot. **WARNING: DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME IF BRODIE CROYLE OR TYLER THIGPEN ARE UNDER CENTER. I CAN NOT AFFORD TO GO TO PRISON FOR MURDER. I AM WAY TOO PRETTY**
(4) For every 100 yards rushing Larry Johnson gets, drink a handle of Jack Daniels. This is a game even children and recovering alcoholics can play because everyone will emerge stone cold sober. Sorry Larry, not at M & T Bank on opening day.
(5) Every time Stan White mentions pepperoni pizza, throw a brick at the TV.
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