We here at www.thebaltimorons.com (tell your friends) didn’t do much to cover the NFL Draft owing to a multitude of other engagements and the fact that Mock Drafts at the amateur level are mostly compiling two sentence blurbs from other amateurs and deciding which talking head you trust most. Plus, I can’t afford ESPN Insider and Peter King only thinks he thinks things, which is pretty shady if you ask me.
I want to make sure you, our reader(s), aren’t left completely unaware of the true nature of the picks around the division however, so I have charitably decided to break down the first and second round picks from the AFC North for your abridged convenience:
(Author’s Note: Please be aware that, despite the fact that the title of this post implies a Day 2 analysis is forthcoming, I will never write anything that requires that much research. I don’t care if I’m only looking at the picks from four teams, I have no idea who any of the second round guys are, nor do I care if they were selected to the All-MWSDLKJSDN Conference Team. I don’t watch college football for the same reason I don’t eat Marshmallow Mateys; it’s simply an inferior product [in both instances I would rather just eat Lucky Charms])
CINCINATTI BENGALS
Round 1 (6)- Andre Smith-OT-Alabama
So there was a first-round offensive tackle in this draft that had some character issues surrounding him and guess who picked him up? Seeing Andre Smith open up the running lane for Cedric Benson in their orange uniforms will be like watching an all-black remake of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (the director’s cut where Ray Lewis hits Kumar so hard he has to retire and go work for the government). I hope Marvin Lewis is making at least eight dollars and hour for babysitting these guys during the season (Author’s Note: I just did a google search to confirm that Marvin Lewis is still the head coach in Cincinnati… Really? He hasn’t been fired yet?).
But seriously folks, I’m glad they picked up a much-needed lineman. Welcome to the AFC North guys; our skill position players are products of our trenches, glad you’ve decided to join us. Plus, when one of the enduring images of your stud quarterback is him rehabbing his knee on an underwater treadmill, it’s time to change something. Without Houshmandzadeh around to get open when Ochocinco is off Bedazzling his “Hall of Fame” jacket, Carson Palmer could use the extra time this mammoth will give him.
Round 2 (38)- Rey Maualuga-ILB-USC
To be honest with you, I really like this pick (I actually like the Bengal’s entire draft). I was like many Baltimoreans in that I was hoping Maualuga would fall to us at 26, which he would have if we didn’t move up to take Oher. I am not looking forward to having this dude be the face of the Bengal’s defense for the next ten years, particularly when our receivers have to go over the middle.
Some young men play like they have a chip on their shoulder; Rey Maualuga plays like he was has multiple fifty-rocks of cocaine in his system. You might be thinking: isn’t that enough to potentially kill a man? Answer: Hells yeah. Even Mr. Ed could only do a few of those before he’d fall down and start screaming about how he could feel the rain coming (Author’s Note: Most shocking E True Hollywood Story. Ever.), so you can imagine how intense this wild-eyed Samoan will be on Sundays. Plus, they already have Keith Rivers… I can’t believe I’m still writing about the Bengals.
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Round 1 (21)- Alex Mack-OC-California
The Cleveland Browns traded down three times in the first round and decided to spend their pick on a dude who shares a name with a thirteen-year-old mutant who can turn into a puddle at will? Thank God he’s about 6’4”, 311 pounds cause otherwise I’d have to make fun of him fairly to moderately hardcore. So yeah… Good pick by the Browns. Now when Brady Quinn can’t cut it in the NFL we can all blame the Myoplex EAC drink and not the offensive line. (Author’s Quote: “Now I’m done!”).
Round 2 (36)- Brian Robiskie-WR-Ohio State
I think this is a pretty good pick up for the Browns. Sure, Robiskie isn’t a “homerun hitter” but he doesn’t need to be with superstar tight end Kellen Winslow bringing down the big catches over the middle of the… What? Oh, Winslow was traded to the Bucs. Well, so long as Robiskie doesn’t have to be the Number 1 receiver with Braylon Edwards on the ros… What? Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ they’re getting rid of him too? What’s the use of drafting a guy who can contribute right away if you really need him to play beyond his skill level? You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to sarcastically calling their coach “Man-genius” this year. This must be how a Patriots fan feels (without the extra layer of smugness)!
Round 2 (50)- Mohamed Massaquoi-WR-Georgia
Both of these wide receivers are scouted as having “reliable hands” and if you’ve watched the Browns over the past few years you understand why everyone in Cleveland is delirious with joy: they’re used to dropping more balls than the Puberty Fairy (Author’s Note: You don’t want to know what you have to leave under the pillow…). I’d say no terrible picks thus far; you don’t get to be the first quarterback taken in the draft unless you had someone to throw to.
Round 2 (52)- David Veikune-DE-Hawaii
Are you kidding me, they had another pick in the second round? I specifically kept this a Day 1 analysis so I wouldn’t have to spent an hour writing about a team like the Browns! You know what? I’m not even going to write anything about this guy; screw it. In fact, I’m just going to laugh at him. HAHAHAHAHAH; you have to go from living in Hawaii to living in Cleveland, Ohio! Say “aloha” to Drew Carey for me sucker! HAHAHAHAHA! Please don’t hurt Joe Flacco.
PITTSBURG STEELERS
Round 1 (32)- Evander Hood-DT-Missouri
The Steelers opted to get younger at the defensive front with a tough guy who apparently goes by the nickname Ziggy. Do you think he’s never seen the comic or do you think he just wanted to lull opponents into a seriously unfunny sense of security? I had to go to the Steelers website to learn more about him and it made me sick to see Big Jackass sitting there prominently displayed on my laptop screen (Author’s TMI: Luckily I’m typing this on the crapper so it doesn’t matter how I’m feeling; I’m in my happy place)
No more picks in the first two rounds? That’s what I’m talking about; you get an extra paragraph! I’ll take this opportunity to give our best wishes to Ambassador Rooney as he travels to Ireland to represent our country; maybe now we won’t have to be subjected to shots of you in your dimly lit box seats during Ravens/Steelers games where we have to discern if it’s really the owner or if it’s the puppet from Tales from the Crypt.
P.s. Best of luck pronouncing Roethlisberger after a few pints of Guinness. Trust me,you’ll need it.
BALTIMORE RAVENS
Round 1 (23)- Michael Oher-OT-Mississippi
Tackle was a need for our Baltimore Ravens this offseason as was evidenced when we tried to sign one via free agency. Luckily for us, Oher fell in the draft to where we could move up a few spots to grab him and we literally got the homeless man’s Orlando Pace! Get it? He was homeless as a teenager! He didn’t have a place of residence! (In Stewie Griffin’s voice) No, but seriously, what a great story; quite a uhhh… quite a character guy we picked up. We moved up to draft the Oliver of the NFL (Author’s Note:The lovable kitten not the British orphan)
Between Oher and Gaither we have pretty solid bookends and the makings of one of the best, young offensive lines in the game. The only thing that worries me about this selection is that scouts have noted how it might take a while for him to learn the playbook which, in less politically correct talk, means he might be a complete moron. Jared Gaither couldn’t graduate from College Freakin’ Park, so… we might be going to war behind Sloth and Chunky Kong next season...
I actually really like this pick. Give Flacco time; give Rice room; give Willis no excuses.
Round 2 (57)- Paul Kruger-OLB-Utah
Another quality pick by the Wizard of Oz. Anyone who goes away on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints mission and returns more adept are hitting people than before has the personality we’re looking for in a Baltimore Ravens defensemen. Apparently the dude was stabbed outside a nightclub (bear in mind he went to college in the middle of Mormon country so that had to be a pretty tame club, if you get shived there you’re bad ass.) and is missing a kidney but was still rated as a first round pick on at least one board. His versatility and “red-star” attitude will make him an invaluable part of our team.
My one concern in this instance is that apparently he expressed some surprise to reporters about being picked by the Ravens after they didn’t show much interest in him initially. HEY WHITE BOY, SHUT UP! You just got selected to be a part of one of the more storied defenses in the NFL; you say thank you to Mr. Newsome, you put your head down, and, most importantly, you like it! Sorry to have to drag you away from the exciting, at times violent nightlife of SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH; but get on the damned plane and get to your new life in Bodymore, Murderland; feel free to hide behind Todd Heap as long as you need to.
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