(Author's Note: A little bit of Sports Attire. Had to wait until the day after to blaspheme)
God to Ignore O's
Baltimore- In a controversial move announced at a press conference early this morning, our Lord and Savior has made known that he will no longer be listening to the prayers of Baltimore Orioles fans. While the forsaking is not altogether without warning following the signing of Maryland native Mark Teixeira to the divisional rival New York Yankees for a whopping $180 million over eight years, many baseball pundits and religious scholars had assumed that to be more a reflection of the greed of the man in question as opposed to the abject hatred of The Man Himself.
"I know that a great many of you may be disappointed in the way things have turned out over the last couple of years," The Almighty began, "This judgement has been tough on me as well, but in the end, the decision is mine to make; and it is strictly a baseball decision. I will still hear the prayers of a great many people in Baltimore, particularly the large portion who root for the Yanks or the Sox anyways."
The announcement comes as a major blow to the remaining contingent of Orioles fans who litter Charm City, wandering about Pratt Street emphasizing the "O" syllable in their espousals of the virtues of Nick Markakis as an AL MVP in another media market.
"How could it ever get this far," Phil Luette, life-long O’s fan and self proclaimed No-Homo Brian Roberts Super-fan wondered following the announcement, "We Baltimoreans were the only ones to recognize the second coming of His son in the form of Cal ‘Jesus Christ’ Ripken Jr., and now that Cal has made it out of here and into the bright TBS spotlights, He’s just going to up and leave us?"
Some fanatics, however, carry the same outrage without any shock at the most recent development in divine denial:
"I just don’t understand where God gets off acting like he ain’t been planning this for years," Baltimore-native Jordan Garcia slurred between conciliatory chugs of National Bohemian, "I mean, ever since (Roberto) Alomar found an umpire to spit on, we, the fans, have just been (creatively rhyming expletive deleted) on. First, He forsakes Raphael Palmeiro in his hour of need, then we lose by 27, then we finish in the cellar while the Rays take the AL East. I mean, (non-creative expletive deleted), we’ve been (past tense of same expletive deleted)"
While The Everlasting Father refused to touch on the subject during the press conference, sources close to the situation cite Orioles owner Peter Angelos’ status as the anti-Christ as an influence on the deity’s decision. Mr. Angelos’ sense of humanity to give up his clearly failed tenure making pretend he has the baseball intellect to give a damn about the Orioles franchise did not return requests for a comment on the conjecture.
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