4:00

Good afternoon sports fans and welcome to the www.thebaltimorons.com (tell your friends) live blog of the game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Pittsburgh Steelers, I'm your host Dan! Unfortunately, the other writer extraordinaire Zak bailed on me like I was an American auto-maker (Author's Note: Ask your parents, they'll explain that one to you), so I am on my own today. He has reason to be away however, as a friend of The Baltimorons sadly passed away in the early hours of the morning; our thoughts and prayers are with Mr. John and those he prematurely left behind.

4:03

Unfortunately for you, that means I'm all you got today as nothing will stop Alex from being in M & T Bank Stadium this afternoon (don't worry, I stole that rich bitch's Goldfish Baked Snack Crackers and am eating those delicious fishes as I type) and Joe is busy accepting awards for being a stellar filmmaker (WE'RE GOING TO ATLANTIC CITY BABY!!!). I will try to not let my limited knowledge of topics such as football and female anatomy stop me from discussing either at great length. As a postscript, I will undoubtably be referencing a ton of movies and internet sites throughout my writing as usual, but I won't have the opportunity to tag anything or link. I may go back and update the post later, but it definitely won't be until after my final on Monday afternoon. I'm studying right after this is over with; I swear...

4:08

Right now we are at the end of the game between the Titans and the Texans and we are hearing precisely why Bill Simmons loves Gus Johnson so damn much, and I have to say I agree with him.  The fumble and subsequent recovery by the driving Titans actually made me stand up to get that craned neck perspective on the television to see if I could see the ball... I'm an easy sell though, I get excited when anybody talks loud, hell they can even just TYPE IN CAPS and I am intrigued at the very least.  "IT LOOKS LIKE THE TITANS ARE GOING FOR IT ON FOURTH AND THREE!!!! Jeff Fisher, ALWAYS the GAMBLER!!!!" 

4:10

I got the first text from Alex on the day with an explanation of the live Raven mascot taking out an usher during a landing on the field.  I think I might have seen a bird outside the window at some point through the blinds of this dimly lit apartment... I hate my life... 

4:12

Thank you Mr. Television for letting us know that, due to contractual obligation, you will be going over to the Ravens/Steelers games... How about, due to the fact that no one cares about either the Titans or the Texans, you will be going over to a game that matters?

4:14

Fortunately for you I have been drinking a gi-normous Red Bull so my faulty filter about all things strange will be functioning at very minimum capacity. There is so much of that wing-inducing beverage in my system that Alex's fish have a veritable intestinal aquarium in which to frolic, and frolicking they are as here comes the first of a very many trips to the bathroom! For anyone who thought I would make it until kickoff, just know that I have been at this for an hour or so (and by at it I mean eating Goldfish and watching my fantasy team lose any hope of playoff success. And so, just like a man who has recently disassembled a piece of furniture, to the dump I go!

4:16

Did Jim Nantz just let us know we were about to see a love-fest between him and Phil Simms?  Is it really going to be that kind of a day?  What's the use of having the tape delay if not to maintain the masculinity of our commentators?  That being said, I'm all for it; you fill him with your simms Jimmy, fill him good.

4:18

Well that wasn't a great start by the Ravens offense, we better not cinch up our play-calling tighter than dolphin's ass (Author's Note: Water-tight), I can't stand it when we play scared...

4:22

Just got a text from Alex, our reporter a lot closer to the sidelines than I am, letting me know that there is “lots of black and gold (in the stadium today). Too much”. This just goes to show you how big this game is to everyone involved,way more so than last week's skirmish against the Redskins. Last week the only thing I was worried about was dealing with the light heckling from the spattering of Redskins fans who serve as a pox on our fair city; this week I hate the opposition.

This is not only for first place in the division, it's for pride after losing in overtime on that Monday night game. We are really close to Pittsburgh geographically, we are really close to Pittsburgh economically, we are really close to Pittsburgh philosophically. To reference the concept behind Alex's article, when one team is victorious in this rivalry, it's because they executed the same game plan better. God I want to win this game so bad... I'm not sure if this is the most appropriate place to write this, but I may as well break the “I Hate Hines Ward” seal right now. He's a cock, he's a cock, he's a cock!

4:25

Speaking of last week's game, how much of a deflation is it to the thrill of victory when the Redskins go and lose to the Bengals. How dare they? This would be like finally hooking up with the girl of you and your friend's dreams, you know, the one where that gives you bragging rights for the next two to three decades, only to find out the very next week she went and gave it up to the entire Cincinnati Bengals football team. Inexcusable.

4:27

How embarrassing is it to be from San Diego when you see a game break with Phillip Rivers running around like he's won the Super Bowl when you go up by one against the Kansas City Chiefs?  You are playing against the Chiefs for God's sake, show some humility at how much of a disappointment you are... 

4:28

Flacco makes a good play for the Ravens.  When you are going up against the number one rushing defense, you need to throw as many different scenarios for them to consider as possible.  Make them respect the run, make them respect the sneak, and, one of these days whenever the ball actually leaves someone's hands, hopefully they will respect the pass.

4:30

Alright, we get it, we're a smash-mouth, field-position oriented football team... Now can we please let the guy who we are entrusting the franchise to give it a shot?  Damnit, that was a great punt plus the penalty... I should just keep my feelings inside whenever I feel like I have something to say.

4:34

How long has it been since we last hit a Pittsburgh running back hard enough to put him on IR?  I'm thinking it's about time we get back to that game plan as Moore (I'm not going to try for the first name) is getting a few too many yards after he should have been on the turf.

4:35

Tee-hee, Santonio Holmes was just "pummeled from behind" by Jim Leonhard... suggestively homo-erotic announcing continues!

4:41

Let's talk for a little bit about the purple-Santa outfits donned by the Raven's cheerleaders for the game today.  One word: classy.  It's freaking cold outside, you just can't ask them to be as scantily clad as one (one such as myself) might hope for.  With the Santa outfits however, you get just enough reveal and just enough suggestion.  It certainly makes me want to cover their cookies in my milk.  What?  It's an all-night ride on that sleigh, you need to keep some protein somewhere!

4:43

Well, I say never, ever put the ball in the air again.  Steady dose of McClain, yes siree! 

4:45

The Pittsburgh Steelers have to call a timeout to pick up Big Ben's adams apple from the field after the jersey choke-hold put on by Terrell Suggs.  While they play Operation: The Real Game, we are treated to financial advice by Jack Bauer on behalf of BOA.

4:49

Tavaris Jackson proving, once again, that he has all the tools to a quarterback in the National Football League with a second touchdown pass in the quarter against the Arizona "We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever Ever For Real" Cardinals"

4:50

Ray Lewis, making Ben go down like a high school prom queen after three apple-tinis...  And what a play in the return game by Leonhard!!!!  If he had decided to put a move on a punter, we would be kicking a field goal right now... Even so, special teams are going to be a huge part of either team's success today, and the Ravens have the early edge.

4:52

Alex, nearing the point of textual harassment, calls the return the stupidest and gutsiest play he's seen in some time.  He also wants everyone to know that the stadium is the loudest it's been in two years, easy.  On a related note, Leonhard is an attractive young man... Ladies, take note!

4:55

Matt Stover with the patented butt-shake... and... IT'S GOOD!!!  Ravens take the lead, 3-0 in the second quarter; thus far it is the defensive showdown everyone thought it would be.  Flacco's lone completion came off a great throw to Todd "HEEEEEEAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP" Heap.  Far and away bellowing that man's last name is my favorite part of going to games.

4:59

I know I talk/speak about sex a lot for someone who isn't getting any, but with no one else in the apartment, I need someone to ask about that Kay's Jewelery commercial with the deaf woman.  What's it like to be with a deaf person in bed?  Are they mute or are they capable of non-syllabic utterances?  I'm not asking to be offensive, I just don't know these things...  Anyone know a deaf person?  Well, I guess more specifically, does anyone know a deaf person with a thing for short, heavy-set quarter asian young men with beards? No?  No one?  Fantastic.

5:03

The Ravens challenge the spot on the field, and wisely so in my and Phill Simm's opinions.  What did we say about field position in this game?  This is a big call... and... the zebras blew it!  Oh no, there goes a timeout in a field position game... Well, poopy.

5:07

I have been informed via text message that there are no non-hearing impaired women who are interested in a man of my demographics, so my pursuit of a happyness ending to finals week will be unfruitful.  Fantastic.

5:12

Okay, here we go inside the red zone, will update in a larger chunk.  Ben starts off by torpedoing his lineman in the back with the football on a broken screen...  Great hit by Fabian Washington on Parker in the open field, my stomach dropped hardcore when I saw a complete lack of purple in the vacinity... Hines Ward screws up the route and Corey Ivy gets stabbed in the foot by the errant throw from Ben.  The field goal is up... and... it's decent.  Tie ball game.

5:15

I love the new Mastercard commercial with Payton Manning, the dude is hilarious.  My question is this: isn't Joey Flacco just goofy looking and disproportionately composed enough to get in on some of the Manning market?  I could just imagine Flac standing an delivering every line in that slightly interested mono-tone of his, his expression never changing.  Okay, I understand why he doesn't have a national campaign I guess... If ESPN can endearingly market Greg Oden, the Ravens can market Joe Flacco.

5:20

Le'Ron McClain is a man.  I know Alex goes off about how great he is an how much he likes squatty tailbacks (Author's Mental Note: Maybe Alex is the right option in my pursuit of happyness) but it is just fun to see him running into grown men and making them look like the old-school inflatable punching bags of the Foot-Clan that every TMNT fan had as a child.  The Jamal Lewis Era was a lot of fun, those gigantic legs churning after contact; it's good to have some of that back in Charm City.

5:24

Excellent tip drill on the sidelines by some spectators.  Well done gentlemen.

5:25

Mason mistimes his jump in the end zone and Ike Taylor does that cornerback open hand in-front of the face things in celebration.  Can anyone explain to me what this means, or is this something that you learn when you join the fraternity of defensive backs in the NFL?  If it really doesn't have any special significance I want to start incorporating the motion into areas of my real life.  Don't worry, I wouldn't overuse it; it would be reserved for those instances like where you jump through the metro doors right before they close, or when you just barely make it through a stale yellow light.  Maybe I'll keep the same philosophy and use it when I interrupt someone else during the middle of an idea to take the conversation where ever I wanted to go with it:

"So I was thinking that maybe instead of cutting the red wire you should..."

"Banana Hammock! Ooh (makes the hand motion), in your face biatch!"

**boom**

5:32

Ravens call a mystery timeout after the first down pass to Mason and face a first down from the 11.  Ouch, McClain drops a pass that was sure to take it down to at least the 5.  Damn... Pass is to Lorenzo Neal at the sideline and he literally takes a moment to compose himself before completely gorging the man in front of my before being knocked out of bounds... Phil Simms likes the formation but Flacco hits the crossbar with the ball before it falls into the hands of the defense.  Both Donovan McNabb and I suffer mini heart attacks as we didn't know that a ball hitting the goal post is considered dead... Field goal is up... and... IT'S GOOD.  Now the Ravens will face the 2 minute drill from the Steelers, a situation where the D has had trouble in the past...

5:37

Shot of Ray Lewis looking ferociously stern in the middle of the field; a good sign... Do you think that the dude with the long hair on the O-Line for Pittsburgh ever thinks about demanding a trade so that he can be the best looking woman on his own team?  The Steelers let the clock run out and it's halftime with the Ravens up by 3 and the Steelers starting the third quarter with the ball.

5:40

With halftime finally here, it is time to face the tough question: what do I order from A-1 Pizza and Subs? My old standby is the chicken parmesan sub, but Zak has given me a convincing argument, backed by a very scientific taste test, for its sister sub, the veal parmesan. I don't think I can go wrong with either selection in this case, it's just a lot of pressure to face with so much Red Bull in my system. If anyone has any feelings one way or the other you should go ahead and drop me an e-mail or a comment and I will bow to the power of your suggestion.

5:41

HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT DUDE THROW SHOES AT THE PRESIDENT!!!  Throw in in Gitmo, they don't need shoes or even toenails there, the nice guards will make sure of all that...  I'm impressed by the level of calm displayed by W., he was like Joe Flacco back behind that podium, simply unflappable.  Did you see the smirk after the first launch, Mr. President knew he was untouchable.  If you're the journalist, do you think, "Shit, I missed!  Oh wait, I have another shoe right here!  RRaaahhh!  Shit, I throw like a girl would if girls were allowed to throw things in my country!".  Well done President Bush, if you can make it to mid-January without getting hit by a shoe it will be a success in my book.

5:44

Chicken it is then; Kimmy Sue says eating veal is killing babies.

5:49

A-1 order is away and the overhead shot of M & T Bank is on the television which means the third quarter is about to start.  I'm switching to a new post to make the scroll-down easier.  Also, I am having trouble balancing between being a commentator and a play-by-play guy as you can tell.  From now on, play-by-play in the red zone; less posts with more bulk in between.  Cheers!