So I was reading Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback: Tuesday Edition thismorning, which is a feature where King generally answers a fewquestions from his mailbag. In this incarnation, someone namedJoey from Santiago, Chile approached the topic of Ray Lewis. Correction: some douche-baggy, son of a bitch from a backwards-assnation that has contributed nothing to the world aside from the chalupa(Author’s Note: For which I am eternally grateful) dared to imply thatRay Lewis could potentially be using performance enhancing drugs.
First and most simplyof all, Ray Ray takes everything very personally so you don’t speakabout or to him unless he has spoken to you. Considering that Ray Lewis speaks directly to God and God only,that means cierre tu boca compadre, Ray Lewis doesn’t like triflinghoes (clearly the implication is that you are, in this instance, thetrifling hoe.
The spike in Lewis’performance has nothing to do with steroids; he simply comes to gameshungrier than anybody else on the field. He will literally starvehimself, feasting on nothing but the tantalizingly juicy fear heinspires in his enemies, licking the last remnants fromhis perfectly maintained goatee. He chases this sadistic snackwith a dessert of divine vengeance and a coffee in his preferred styleof woman (strong, black, and just cool enough [to have sex with and nothave to deal with a ton of questions and nagging sessions about “Oh,Ray Ray, I just wanna be your boo!” Shut up woman! Ray doesn’thave boos, he has seed-receptacles. He also has a finely honedkiller instinct (allegedly) so you better back up off him.]).
To lock eyes with RayLewis is to stare in the frighteningly paralyzing face of the Medusaherself (Author’s Note: If the Medusa was a 6’1”, 250 pound black manwho played middle linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens). He standsup opposing running back so that the younger players may feast firstbefore sitting them back down in the corner to discuss theirtrespasses. Ray Lewis isn’t only unafraid to tackle bruisingbacks with a full head of steam, he dares to tackle issues thatcampaigning politicians won’t stand up to, such as God’s activeparticipation in professional sports, and how college football doesn’tneed a complicated computer system to crown a national champion; itneeds Jesus.
So I’d watch what yousay Joey, you Chilean prick, you don’t want to upset Ray Ray this closeto the Steelers game. He has been preparing for this game sincethe last time he walked the earth; that’s over 2000 years offrustration waiting to be pummeled into a certain cheap-shot wide receiver, wouldn’t want His blood lust satiated too early…
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