In honor of the Philadelphia Phillies coming out of the National League, a bit of Sports Attire predicting the Philadelphia Inquirer headlines if they were to win the Series:
Philadelphia Wins Series, Burns to Ground
The Philadelphia Phillies ended the twenty-five year championship drought that has plagued the City of Brotherly Love and its sports teams, a historic event for the city, which was almost immediately followed by its envelopment in flames. Long suffering fan(atic)s, unsure of how to cope with the good news, elected to riot throughout the residential streets surrounding Citizens Bank Park, causing an estimated eight million dollars in damages.
“I guess we were just prepared for the other shoe to drop,” stated Philadelphia native and self-proclaimed “no-homo, Brian Westbrook Worshipper” Johnny Kantruss, “I mean,after you have to cope with rooting for a QB who literally throws up under pressure; not throws the football up in the air mind you, literally expels his recent food intake with a smattering of bile and other gastric secretions, you just aren’t ready for this type of… of… good… ness… goodnessticity?”
Fans weren’t the only ones confused by the feeling of victorious elation coursing through their systems; the players themselves seemed to have a hard time coping with the celebration. Series MVP Chase Utley spent a number of hours rocking back and forth outside of his locker repeating the interrogative phrase, “Wait, I don’t suck in October?” over and over again.
Even closer Brad Lidge got caught up in the emotion when he began to “phreak the phuck out” on the Phillie Phanatic (Author’s Note: See what I did there?) when the mascot sprayed him with celebratory champagne.
“I didn’t know what the hell was going on,” the former Houston Astro admitted, “I just felt my uniform start to become saturated and I kind of flashed back to the fever dreams I get of the Albert Pujols homerun… Once again I apologize to the Phanatic and promise to pay for the services of the best proctologist in the city to remove his comically oversized nose from his bright green sPhincter” (Author’s Note: Admittedly that was a bit of a reach).
Answering the question on America’s minds: experts believe that the Phires ravaging Philly(That one was easier) should thankfully be extinguished in enough time for sports pundits across the country to properly berate Donovan McNabb for his skin pigmentation before the next Eagles game.
“Yeah, it’s a shame about the late Victorian architecture being destroyed and all,” conceded former NL Most Valuable Player Ryan Howard, “But have you ever tried to siphon gas into a empty beer bottle to make a moltov cocktail? Shit is harder than winning the MVP while striking out 181 times in less than 600 at bats; you can’t waste all the work! Plus, it serves as a crackling endorsement for Subway’s new toasted fresh, delicious, tasty, turkey-filled cold cut combo. I eat three everyday just to keep me strong. Now, let’s burn this motha’ down!”
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