(1) Was I the only one who saw McGahee's eye on the sideline of the Monday Night Game and immediately thought of the movie 28 Days Later (Not the Sandra Bullock rehab comedic romp but the flesh eating rage-zombies Usain Bolting their way down the streets of London horror flick)? Simply frightening.
(1a) Speaking of the ocular injury, at what point does he wear an eye patch on the sideline so M and T Bank can be filled with signs hailing “One Eyed Willie” leading to the coming of age experience for a group of misfit Baltimoreans as they try to discover with buried treasure? (Interesting Fact: Willis McGahee is believed to have sired most if not all of the Goonies (Interesting Fact Part Deux: That explains why Mikey went on to play D-I collegeball).
(2) If Joe Flacco starts sucking I want to call him Joey “Training Bra” Flacco as homage to his days at a Division 1-AA school. If he continues on with his current rate of production I will accept Joe “Field Goal” Flacco. If he continues to receive the calls for fairly ill advised deep balls during the game he will be allowed to use Joe “Straight Go” Flacco or simply,“Bazooka Joe”. If those passes one day start to connect and he becomes one of the top tier quarterbacks in the league and becomes the face of the franchise and lets it go to his head and becomes a coked up egomaniac who eventually undergoes a meteoric collapse wherethe BPD busts in one him doing lines of a dead hooker: “Joe Blow”.
(3) If Bill Simmons really wants Ray Lewis to pee in a cup and reveal the results on ESPN 2, he better be ready to wash down an entire bushel of crow with the excellence #52 pisses daily (Authors Note: Better bring a pitcher Billy, Ray Ray is back this year in a big way (way)).
(4) As I watched the Ravens lose that game to the Steelers one special teams play at a time, I kept thinking about the irony of it all. It wasn’t the rookie quarterback, the inexperienced offensive line, the aging defense, or the papier-mâché running back constantly taking injury time off the clock, it was our 4.2 40 return man not making a single decent play, nevertheless a much needed big play. The only thing worse than causing such a big loss was the fact that the bitter irony brought the vocal styling of Alanis Morissette and her aptly named and appropriately depressing song into my brain…“And who would have though, Yamon Figurs”.
(5) What seven year old, helmet encased nephew of a front office executive decided that it would be a good idea to base half of the off-season publicity on having real ravens fly over M and T Bank during home games? Is it just me, or is this the biggest waste of ink that could involve Baltimore sports? Did anyone care then? Does anyone care now? (Authors Note: No)
Big freaking deal, trained birds with the ability to poop on people safely encrusted in a layer of body paint and/or too tailgate trashed to care. I pass by Baltimore pigeons on my walk to work everyday that represent our city ten times better. Those bastards are so hood hardened that they push crack just like every other entrepreneurial mind in Charm City. They’re always trying to get us overworked saps to try a taste, or “just enough to get your beak wet”. Hell, they even know enough to avoid Johnny Law with coyly chirped choruses of, “Watch it, 5-0, be coo’ man, be coo’”. (Authors Note: Do you see what I did there? I made the pigeon say coo’ instead of cool because the noise a pigeon generally makes is regarded as a cooing sound. Okay,I’ll admit, that was one of those 3 am jokes that is sorta kinda funny then and you know it probably isn’t worth writing down but you do anyways and then you feel like you have to use it because if some lame ass line about pigeons interrupted a fairly descriptive sex dream involving any number of infamous socialites it sure as hell better be put somewhere in the post).
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