To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in regards to the integrity of one of your products, a Baltimore Orioles baseball cap from the Authentic Merchandise Collection. I have owned this product for a number ofyears with no real problems (aside from its propensity to attract minor annoyances such as dirt stains, a blackened ring of head sweat, and the pity of other MLB fans). Recently however, I have noticed that the “rally” feature has not been working reliably.
Despite following the instructions carefully (hat upside down AND inside out), the Orioles never seem to come back from the initial deficit. In fact, the gap seems to continue to widen even when the power of the rally cap is further enhanced with the power of prayer (power of prayer enhanced with power of gratuitous vulgarity).
Just today, Baltimore was losing to the Minnesota Twins in the first game of a double header by the score of 4 to 1. After liberal application of the rally cap, the Orioles managed to bring it to a 12-2 humping and are currently losing 7-2 in the nightcap. This combination of factors makes me have to wonder the obvious: the fuck?
Seriously,the fuck is wrong with you Twin Enterprises Inc.? It’s not me, okay? I know it’s not me. I have a playoff beard year round in anticipation of this shit. I AM 1/54thof the Baltimore Orioles fan base, and the other 53 care more about the Old Bay Shuffle than the actual ballgame. I have objective conversations with other hetero males concerning the sexual merits of Brian Roberts versus those of Nick Markakis (Author's Note:Markakis in a landslide [Author's Defense: "landslide" meaning overwhelming majority as opposed to some homosexual position unbeknownst to just a couple of straight dudes talking about whether or not we’d be a couple of gay dudes in the presence of a couple of attractive baseball dudes). Just ask Dr. Robin Williams, it’s not my fault.
I expect a replacement hat to be sent immediately in response to this grievance along with the calling up for Matt Wieters from the farm system to give the fans the renewed sense of hope required to not leap from the top of the Bank of America building during the fast approaching off-season. You should be ashamed of yourselves Twin Enterprises Inc.; you have provided the biggest letdown of my life. The distraught nature this whole experience has put me in has forced me to become even more useless, cementing my place as the biggest letdown of my father’s life. That’s two generations of Baltimoreans in whose hats you have(metaphorically) shat; God help you if I ever have children, God help us all.
X’s and O’s
Dan
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