It’s that time of year again.  The time of year where grown men in tight pants are praised for helping each other to find the open hole.  The time of year when the top minds in the game hold press conferences to justify their on-field decisions to a bunch of Natty-Boh shit-faced, homemade-chili shit-stained fanatics.  The only time of year where slinging the rock in Baltimore won’t result in five to seven years for distribution (unfortunately our great city also sees a much lowered success rate in this department for the remainder of the calendar year). That’s right, it’s football season in Baltimore, Maryland.

For any non-Baltimorean readers, or simply as a refresher for those who have been too caught up in a post-coital smoke necessitated by the five month long blow job turned by the Baltimore Orioles (Mr. Angelos works the [metaphorical] shaft, just ask Brian Roberts), I present a refresher course on some of the persons of interest from the Ravens 2008-2009 roster:

Joe Flacco:

First round draft pick out of the University of Delaware.  Prototypical NFL quarterback in that he measures in at 6’6”, 230 lbs and possesses a laser,rocket arm.  Prototypical Baltimore Ravens quarterback in that he has a propensity to shit the bed in tense situations and prefers to run the offense in three play spurts before returning to the bench and the murderous glare of the defense.

            Todd Heap:

Unanimous favorite Raven of white people everywhere, strictly for his ability to play professional football at a high level (although the Cracker McCrackerson image probably doesn’t hurt).  The “Stormin’ Mormon” has the speed and the ability to be one of the premier tight ends in the league if it weren’t for a string of injuries that have caused him to miss significant playing time.  Interesting Fact: Todd Heap’s injuries troubles probably have to dowith the fact that he is composed primarily of balsa wood held together with “Her Pleasure” K-Y Jelly.

            Ed Reed:

Highest rated Raven in Madden 2008 who spends equal time in pass coverage as he does auditioning for the “Jacked Up” segment.  His sometimes aggressive but generally effective style of play has led to his becoming one of the overwhelming favorites with the fans in Baltimore, who take every opportunityto yell out his full name of “ED REEEEEEEEEEEDDDDD” while interrupting/intercepting friendly games of Catch.  Unfortunately Reed is dealing with a serious nerve condition, which could spell disaster for Baltimore’s designs to limp meaninglessly through another rebuilding year while possessing a top-ten defense.

            Kyle Boller:

A former first round pick of the Ravens who has struggled with both decision-making and accuracy throughout his career in Baltimore.  Nowhere was this inaccuracy more evident than when he was labeled the quarterback of the future for the franchise before heaving them into a tailspin so horrifying that a ninety-three year old Steve McNair was seen as a viable savior.  However, it is not left for me to judge the actions of another human being; that is reserved for a divine ruling.  Interesting Fact: God hates Kyle Boller too.

            Troy Smith:

Former Heisman Trophy winner who the Ravens decided to draft despite the fact that his “intangible” leadership abilities are canceled out by his being “tangibly” a midget by NFL standards.  He is the locker-room favorite to hold the starting job because of his swagger and the endearing way in which the diminutive QB asks lead running back Willis McGahee, “Whatchoo talkin’ bout?” 

Ray Lewis:

If God himself were to create the perfect linebacker, combining the strength of ten men, the speed of a greyhound (driven by Keanu Reeves), the leadership of the hypothetical offspring between Adolph Hitler and Simon Says, and the hard hitting style of Will Hunting’s alcoholic father, that linebacker would be second string behind Ray Lewis.  Also, he may have stabbed a dude.

            Willis McGahee:

Yet another Raven who played college ball at the University of Miami. He’s probably done other stuff since then too, just nothing really comes to mind.  Seriously, what does it say when your “stud” running back is Youtubed more for his injury clips than for highlight reels.  You know what it says?  It says just freaking make a joke about how ugly T-Suggs is so you can finish this post and go cry yourself to sleep after tugging on out to the “good old days” of Dilfer and J-Lew…

            Terrell Suggs:

Suggs has played with a chip on his shoulder ever since Pop Warner ball when his face was un-consentingly used as the model for the “Goomba” characters in Super Mario Brothers.  Generally regarded as the reason football players began to conceal their faces behind visors, Terrell Suggs in unlovable even to his own family.  Interesting Fact: Terrell Suggs most assuredly gets more ass nightly than a sports blogger will get in two lifetimes (Obvious Fact: This comes despite the fact that sports bloggers will hump anything.  Seriously, anything... tell your friends.)

            Thereyou have it, there is little to love about the 2008-2009 Ravens, get ready for another horrible, bitter year of professional football.  (Authors Note: THE RAVENS WON THEIR OPENING GAME!!!!! I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT ALL THAT STUFF, JOE FLACCO MAY BE THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN FRANCHISE HISTORY, SMASH-MOUTH FOOTBALL WITH A POWER RUNNING GAME IS BACK AND HERE TO STAY, T-SUGGS MAKES MY DICK HARD.  TAKE THAT YOU BENGAL BITCHES, THE AFC NORTH IS OURS!!!!!)