And that, my friends, was probably the best burger I’ve ever eaten.

Take one look at me (Author’s Note: If Dave ever gets the bios up) and you can tell I’m a man who likes his meat.  Wow.  That sounded really bad.  Take two… annnnnnnnddd… ACTION.

Take one look at me (Author’s Note: If Dave ever gets the bios up) and you can tell I eat; a lot.  It’s gotten progressively worse over the past year because I introduced a new food group into my diet that I soak everything else in until I can no longer identify the intended taste: alcohol.  When I’ve been drinking I can house food like I’m a quirky, hyper-intelligent M.D. who plays by his own rules.  Already had dinner?  Doesn’t matter, I could always wash it down with a large pizza.  You better put some bacon and onions on that bad boy; if we’re doing this we’re doing it right.

One of my main vices when it comes to my non-purging form of bulimia is McDonalds.  Not only is it cheap and quasi-delicious, I feel like the drive through workers have never expressed frustration at my back seat additions cutting off their repetition of the original order; that or there really isn’t much of a difference between loogies and special sauce.  Either way it’s a win for everybody because: McDonalds gets my money, I get my sodium, and, considering that I’m an obnoxiously happy drunk, the driver gets a temporary reprieve from my harassment as I emulate the “Atomic Warhead” face while attempting to suck a milkshake down my straw like its water.

Why did I take two paragraphs to explain that I’m pleasantly plump?  Is it to provide proper context for my eventual early twenties heart attack?  Nope.  Is it because I’ve always wanted an excuse to look up the proper spelling of the word “loogie”?  Maybe a little.  The full answer, my dear reader(s) is that burgers go great with beers and, as stated in the first sentence of this post which, unlike you, I have not forgotten, is that the other night I had what might very well have been the best burger I’ve ever eaten.

If you aren’t looking (or just aren’t looking hard enough), you’d probably miss Abbey Burger Bistro while walking down an all too familiar part of Federal Hill.  “Man,” you’d say, “I’ve been looking for what seems like a full minute and Google Maps must have just given me terrible directions”.  Well, you’d be right.  The usually reliable Google Maps really did screw you over this time.  “Oh well,” you’d finally concede, “There’s the Cross Street Market, might as well just go to Pub Dog…”

STOP!  Well, actually, don’t stop because it’s right near Pub Dog.  But don’t go in there!  Stick to the plan!  Besides, you went to Pub Dog two nights ago you fat ass!  Mmm… garlic sticks… FOCUS!

Before you make it to Pub Dog you have to turn down the sketchy little darkened alley thing in between all the other bars, we’ll call it “Ben Roethlisberger's Fantasy Lane”.  Turn in and look for the bar in the back right, the one named after the title of this post.  You won’t be sorry.

I’ve only been there once and we grabbed the first table so I can’t really describe it as well as I can a place like Max’s or Pub Dog.  I know there’s a bar to the right, I know there’s an upstairs, and I know that this description sounds like someone slipped something into my drink (Author’s Note: Chris, you could have just asked or offered to buy me dinner or something).

When you open the menu you are going to be a little shocked so let me give you fair warning: THIS PLACE CAN GET PRETTY EXPENSIVE.  In fact, I would only recommend it (albeit strongly) as the jumping off point for the rest of a good night.  I had two beers and a gourmet burger and paid $27, which included a sizeable tip.  I know, that sucks, but if you pre-game (not to the point of deadening the taste buds) and head to Pub Dog right afterwards, that’s a night right there.

The Beer: They have approximately a dozen beers on tap (including Guinness for those of you with taste) and a whole heap of bottled beers ranging from $4.50 to $10.  While it isn’t Max’s, there is certainly enough to keep you interested if you were planning on making a night of it (my buddy Chris and I were more than willing to continue sitting and order another burger but we had to pretend we were just joking).  My friend Jess ordered a beer that tasted like fruit juice.  It was like a Capri Sun, only more satisfying because of the alcohol content.  Then again, it was kind of a let down not get to go all Norman Bates on anything with a yellow straw (Author’s Note: Through the bottom of the pouch because I was a badass in middle school).

The Food: You are presented with a number of set options (one of which I will be going back to try [roseda beef, smoked bacon, and creamy peanut butter burger]) but the most fun is the “Build a Burger Menu” which allows you to check off delicious options to your little heart’s content.

Choose a meat option (including lamb, wild boar, turkey, bison, veggie, etc.) and then some toppings like chili, bacon, avocado, or, my personal favorite, a fried egg.  Warning, your aforementioned little heart may begin to struggle with the added cholesterol.  You need to choose some bread too, so how about an English muffin?  A pretzel roll perhaps?  Then just check off the fries.  You know you were gonna do it anyways, don’t try to blame me.

Okay so gourmet burgers are not a new idea, neither is providing extravagant toppings to allow me to feel classy with slathering everything in peanut butter.  Still, Abby Burger Bistro did it right.  Everything was perfectly cooked, appropriately portioned, and simply delicious.  It helped that the low-key, pub environment accented the great food.  Just like at Pub Dog, I felt free to fully enjoy the company of my friends rather than try to compete with the sloppy people passing out/fighting/screwing/puking right next to me like at some Federal Hill establishments (cough cough MOTHER’S cough cough).

I’ll definitely be going there again and, since you probably know me if you’re reading this site (Author’s Note: Hi Mom!) you should totally come with.  If you could do me a favor and arrange your visitations in shifts I wouldn’t feel quite so fat keeping my seat and ordering a second burger when new company arrives, it would be much appreciated.